We all know that the most dangerous place to be is between a Marine and his crayons, but have we ever given much though as to why the United States Marine Corps has turned to such a wild fuel source to energize their warfighters? The answer is rather simple: this is the last food group, and ultimately brings balance to a diet quicker than balance can be brought to the Force.
Let’s break down the makeup of this much beloved snack, Barney style. The two primary ingredients used to create these delicious treats are paraffin wax, the same material used to collect foreign materials in molten lead before casting bullets, and color pigment. Unlike food coloring, these pigments come in a powdered form, which is mixed into the melted paraffin wax. This mixture then gets poured in molds where they will cool down and solidify. Then, the edible wrapping is placed on the newly formed crayons, labeled with the flavor (such as green, purple, and even blue).
While these are seemingly great for a quick bite or a full meal, the Marine must remember that the melting point for their food is roughly 105 F, making them iffy at best for a refreshing break if used in the field in hot climates such as 29 Palms. Even being left on asphalt in cooler climates (such as 80 F) could lead to melting before consumption. As strong as the temptation might be, the Marine must remember to not attempt to lick the melted food directly off of the asphalt, as this can burn their tongues and damage their taste buds, making crayon eating less enjoyable for the next 72 hours.
What’s more is the timeless debate of Crayola versus RoseArt. If at all possible, RoseArt crayons must be avoided. These are considered slightly healthier than Crayola crayons (I mean, come on, it has the name ROSE in it)! These are considered cheap knock-offs, almost akin to Wal-Mart brand products. Crayola reigns superior in every way, and is the greatest selection that can be made, especially among junior Marines. One last note that should be made is in regards to Ceremony and Ritual.
When dining in a formal setting, crayons must be placed in a special pattern, a la ROYGBIV scale. This demonstrates the Marine’s mastery of color patterns and shows respect to the company present. They must be eaten from left to right, and unfortunately, it is proper for the edible wrapping to be removed and placed neatly on the left side of the plate. Even though the meal may be finished, the Marine must remain calm and remember his training. After hours, the Marine must sneak into the trash can to reclaim any wasted wrappings. They must then bring these wrappings back to the barracks to feed any other junior Marines not present that evening. If a black crayon has been consumed, the black wrapping must be sacrificed to appease the soul of Chesty Puller. Then, and ONLY then, may the rains down in Africa be blessed. Hail Cthulhu!
Guest Writer: Raymond Williams
Raymond Williams resides in Not California with his family. He has an extensive background in private security and currently works in several fields within that industry. He attends Sonoran Desert Institute while pursuing an AS is Firearms Technology. His hobbies include writing shooting and working on firearms. He can also be found at the nearest piano or cello when he is not crying himself to sleep over being literally not, not figuratively, a redheaded stepchild
